Today I told him not to come again, that I would not let him in anymore. He’s been occupying my mind for half a year now, yet he’s ashamed to walk by the hand with me in front of my neighbor. He was angry, but I had to end it…
*
I dreamed that I was in an embrace with Wiciu, but without regrets. In my sleep I also heard the voice of the woman I sometimes see in the field. She said it would be okay. Where did she come from in this dream? I’ve never spoken to her.
*
This morning I bled, although I expected it in several days. It hurts like hell! My mother says that it hurt her too when she was young, but that doesn’t comfort me.
*
This woman who works in the neighbor’s field always smiles at me, never says anything, and nobody talks to her. She only smiles at me that way. I am afraid of her at times, what could she possibly want from me?
*
Today this woman spoke to me. She said, “Your temple is healing.” I didn’t know what she meant, but I was touched by the tenderness on her face. Maybe she feels like I’m suffering? Then she started humming a melody so sad that I cried. And when the boy from the market saw me later, he stared at me and asked how I felt. Just leave me alone!
*
This woman is gone, I last saw her two weeks ago. I have a really bad luck, either I send away those who mean something to me, or they just leave. Luckily a kitten followed me home. It is lovely! It calms me down.
*
Wiciu wants me back. He came yesterday and walked through the door, even though I didn’t invite him. And then my kitty, my sweet kitty, jumped on him! How amazing! Wiciu shouted that it was a demon and ran out, but today I called the cat a Knight. If it weren’t for the Knight, maybe I would have agreed to Wicia’s persuasion.
*
Oh no! Today would be nine months when the Knight is with me, but he’s gone! Dad laughs that as long as he was here, no boy had access to me, and he left so I could get married. What silly jokes!
*
Knight is back! John, who sells these beautiful stones at the market, brought him. That stupid Johnny who laughs at everything. His sense of humor has not changed, he says that Knight told him where to come. I’m happy that my kitten is with me again.
*
For the last three months, Johnny has come every day and first talks to my dad, and then he gives me an apple or a nice flower through the window. Knight always looks for him through the window. Nothing is special about this Johnny, but he is not as stupid as I thought.
*
Today an extraordinary thing happened. Drunken Wiciu came and saw me chatting with John. This Wiciu, who once called me a flower, started to curse me out! The way Johnny jumped on him! I have never seen him like this, always nice and a joker, and now he’s like that. My heart melted at the sight of such John. But what happened later, I could not even dream. Knight was just sitting on the window and looking at me and at a fight, and when Johnny came back to me, the cat suddenly turned into the woman I remember from a year ago. I think to myself: girl, have you lost your mind? But I rub my eyes and I look again and she is still standing in front of me! Always so calm, now with a smile, she took me by the cheek and said: “Your fate is better than that man.” She was so ruddy in the face and cheerful! And then she dissolved into thin air … From that day, I looked at Johny differently. I already knew it was him. That’s him.
*
I haven’t written for a long time, but today I just have to. A year has passed since I married Johny. Yesterday I had the courage to tell my mother about those events. She only told me “dear child, I knew about Wiciu, I knew that he was with you”, and when I heard that, I got angry and asked why she had not advised me something, and she said, “I knew that you would do what’s right. Your fate is better than that man.” I think to myself that someone had already talked to me like that, and my mother said: “Once, this old miller would come to me every night, we were both young back then. Until I finally dismissed him. Then your dad showed up, oh he was such a pain in the ass, he was weary at first. But when my family’s hut burned down in a fire, he worked hard to help rebuild it and I fell in love. And you inherit this fate from me. Johny is a good boy, like your dad. ”But I didn’t like it and I asked if then I was doomed to my mother’s fate. Then this woman appeared next to my mother, the one who recently dissolved into thin air, and I remembered that she had told me the same sentence as my mother, and that my mother probably heard it from her when she was young. She told me “it will do according to your will, but I will always be with you”.
Then this woman is my fate (in Polish the name of the deity is Dola, it refers to the fate and its personification that takes form of a woman, cat or dog). She appeared when I needed her, even as a cat, and disappeared when her support was no longer neceessary. She made my days better when I felt bad. Maybe she guides me through life somehow, or maybe she just looks after me so that I don’t get hurt, but it’s good to know that I have her by my side.
